


The writer and the snake

by Just_Another_Weirdo



Series: The things I do for love [6]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Blood, Female Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Female Morality | Patton Sanders, Janus is gay therefore can't drive, M/M, Mild Gore, Minor Character Death, Multi, Patton Sanders is mentioned, Serial killer remus janus and virgil, Writer Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:54:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25846171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_Another_Weirdo/pseuds/Just_Another_Weirdo
Summary: Roman is a writer. A really good one (except for grammatical errors (shut up Logan)).Janus is a hitman. A really good one (except for the time he got shot (shut up Virgil)).The only problem? Roman has no idea of what Janus and his friends do for a living.And he's about to find out.Alternatively, Roman just wanted to pee, not to see his brother dismembering a dead body in the bathroom.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Series: The things I do for love [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1727602
Comments: 15
Kudos: 110





	The writer and the snake

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, why did I make Virgil and Patton girls?  
> -Because I want to  
> -Because I felt like it  
> -Because I'm a lesbian
> 
> Why didn't I change the names?  
> -Because I'm lazy
> 
> Enjoy!

Roman groaned and slammed his head against his laptop’s keys. Maybe this way he’d make the scene more realistic. Everything he had been trying didn’t seem to work.

Logan, his editor looked at him from the book he was reading. “Which scene is it now?”

“The one where they dispose of the body” Roman said, his face still smashed against the keys. “Why did you say it wasn’t good enough?”

“I didn’t say it was good.” Logan said, closing the book and approaching Roman. “It’s more than good, it’s amazing and thrilling. But Remus said it was missing realism.”

Roman sat back up. “Remus read this?”

“Yeah. Spotting errors is better when someone else reads the manuscript to you.” Logan explained, sitting on the table and turning to see the word document where Roman had written a few sentences and a lot of random letters and symbols. “I could call Remus and ask what he meant exactly when he mentioned it was unrealistic.” He deleted the key smash and handed back the computer.

Roman pouted. “Why did you show it to Remus?”

“Roman, don’t be childish.” Logan said. “I’m dating your brother, I may as well talk to him about my work. Now, do I call him or not?”

“Fine.” Roman said, crossing his arms.

Logan rolled his eyes and pulled his phone out of his pocket. Roman grumbled as Logan dialed his brother’s number.

“ _Hey, honey!_ ” Remus said, loudly as ever, as Logan placed the phone in the middle of the table so Roman could hear too. “ _I’m a little busy in this moment, be quick!_ ”

“Greetings, Remus” Logan said, fighting off the blush that appeared at his face. “I’m here with your brother, we–”

“ _Hey, Princey!_ ” Remus interrupted. “ _Your story sucks, it ain’t real._ ”

Roman grit his teeth, remembering the months he’d spend writing. “And why’s that, dear brother?” He said, adding a bit too much of sarcasm into the dear.

There was a loud noise in Remus’s background. “ _Well, the girl, Sarah_ ”

“Sally” Roman corrected.

“ _Yeah, whatever, Sarah, she carried a dead body of a heavy armed policeman into the river for who knows how long._ ” Remus said, apparently moving around. “ _Like, what the fuck? Policemen are heavy as fuck, not that I’d know for sure._ ” There was another loud crash at the background. “ _Hey, eh, DeeDee knows about this shit too, I’ll pass him over. I gotta go do… stuff._ ”

There were a few yells in the background, mostly from some voice Roman assumed it was Virgil. After a while of listening shouts in the background, another voice talked back.

“ _Dear, as much as I love hearing your voice, this is the worst moment ever._ ” Janus said, and immediately there was a loud yell at the background.

“What’s happening?” Logan asked.

“ _Oh, hi there. You see, remember the printer?_ ” Janus said, seemingly walking away from the source of noise.

“The one that some idiot replenished only with red ink?” Roman said.

“ _Yeah, that one._ ” Janus said. There was a thump in the background. “ _It’s broken and spilling ink everywhere. So now the whole office is in chaos._ ”

Roman held back a laugh. “Ok, eh, I called to ask help with this scene I’m having trouble with. Do you want to help?”

“ _I’d love to. However, now? I have to fix the damn printer before someone dies._ ” Janus said. “We’re still up for tonight?” Roman asked, ignoring the way Logan looked at him, as they had excluded him from the conversation entirely.

There was a noise from the other line, a door being closed. “ _Yes, of course. I can help you then._ ”

“I’ll get you at eight o’clock?” Roman suggested.

“ _Actually_ ” There was another crash at the background. “ _Can you set it back an hour? This may take longer than it seems._ ” Janus said.

“Sure!” Roman said. “See you there, babe. Love ya!”

“ _Love you too_ ” Janus said, before quickly hanging up.

Roman gave Logan his phone back and went back to the computer. He had no ideas, but he had a date.

Logan went back to the couch and resumed his reading.

Janus exhaled in relief as he hang up. He left the phone on Remus’s desk and went back to the living room.

Now, before you continue reading, maybe I should inform you of what Janus’s job was.

The official job is just a scholarship on a law firm. He was not on the law firm now, he was at home.

With his roommates, doing his actual job.

And a now dead body.

Because this three couldn’t have nice things, their target had somehow decided to try attacking them at home.

Janus grabbed the plastic bags, gloves and cleaning supplies before heading back to the living room. There, he was greeted with a scene worthy of an Oscar for it’s special effects.

Except there was no especial effects, and the blood was real.

Remus was knelt next to the man’s body, trying to pull back the knife that was buried deep in the man’s eye socket. His face and arms were covered in blood, which dripped into the floor. Janus was thankful they had gotten rid of all carpets by now.

Virgil, on the other hand, was assessing damage. She cleaned her bloody hands as well as she could on her now ruined jeans, checking if the couch or the pillows had gotten stained with the blood. To her demise, they had. She cursed quite loudly.

Janus sighted and put on his gloves. “We’re going to get another noise complaint.”

Virgil grabbed another pair just as Remus fell back to the ground with the knife on his hand. “Fuck, at least the bitch is dead”

Janus glanced at the dead man once again. He had multiple stab wounds. “Yeah, and so are we if we don’t clean this shit up before nine o’clock.”

“Relax, J-Anus.” Remus said, standing up and getting the bleach. “We have all day to clean this piece of art, let’s enjoy the view”

“No, you don’t get it.” Janus said. “Roman is coming to pick me up at nine o’clock.”

“He’s WHAT?” Virgil exclaimed, almost ripping a garbage bag open. “Why didn’t you tell him you’d go get him!?”

Janus took the bag from her. “Because we don’t have a car? And I'm not taking the truck for a date.” He threw the bag away. “Ok, let’s make a plan. Remus, clean the floor and walls. I’m pretty sure you’re immune to bleach and detergent by now.” Having heard that, Remus jumped to get the mop and start scrubbing the walls. “Virgil, carry the body to the bathroom without making any more blood stains. Use whatever, just make it clean for once in your life.” Virgil nodded and grabbed more garbage bags.

“What about you?” Remus asked, rubbing a nasty spot on the wall. “What will you do?”

“I’ll get this” he points at the covers of the couch and the pillows. “And try to save them from being burnt down with the rest of the evidence.

Having said this, the three of them started to work.

Virgil laid down a few garbage bags next to the body and pushed it into them, successfully dragging the body towards the bathroom without causing any more bloodstains. Then she moved to the kitchen, to grab the machete and start doing her job at disposing of the body.

Remus scrubbed the ground, soaking it in bleach and the chemicals, before moving to the walls and table. He then sprayed the whole thing with Janus’s perfume so it didn’t stink. Janus would be mad, but it’d be worth it.

Janus quickly took off his clothes and stuffed them in the washing machine along the pillows and sofa’s covers, before dressing back up and getting new covers for the living room. He squirted his nose as he smelled his favourite perfume in such doses that made him hate the scent.

Janus checked the clock. It was fifteen to nine. He cursed.

“Remus, go play some music on your room so Roman doesn’t hear Virgil and her… chopping work.” He instructed, as he ran to grab all the cleaning supplies and stuff them back to the closet in the kitchen.

Remus did as he was told, and soon enough the song ‘sex with a ghost’ could be heard from his room. He came back just in time to help Janus finish tidying up.

“You need to get changed” He said, looking at Janus sweatpants. “You aren’t dating my fancy ass brother with that on”

Janus looked at his outfit. It was the worst thing he could greet Roman in. “Fuck, right, get into the bathroom and help Virgil. I’ll change”

Remus was promptly shoved into the bathroom and Janus ran to his room to change into something accepting. He had only a few seconds to finish the last touches on his make up before the doorbell rang.

He checked that Remus and Virgil weren’t being heard before opening the door to greet Roman.

Roman made sure the flowers looked perfect before he rang the doorbell. He could hear some Remus like music from inside. Probably some song about sex or death.

The door was opened, and Roman was greeted by the sight of a very handsome Janus on high heels. He was almost as tall as Roman now.

“Hello, you beautiful king.” Roman said, bowing as he offered the flowers. “I’ve booked our table for ten o’clock, we have some time for ourselves first”

Janus took the flowers with a smirk. “Why, such a gentleman. Where do you wanna go?”

“I’d rather just stay put, if you don’t mind.” Roman said, making his way inside.

Janus had never been able to say no to Roman. “Sure, eh” He left the flowers on the coffee table. “Do you want a drink?” Without waiting for a response, he dragged Roman into the kitchen, as far away as he could from the bathroom.

“I’d rather not get drunk yet, but yes. A drink would be fine.” Roman said, sitting on the table and watching Janus as he prepared them a drink.

“So…” Janus started. “You were having trouble with a scene?”

Roman’s face lit up as he started complaining about the one scene Remus had critiqued. Janus listened to him ramble as he sipped his wine quite contented. The minutes passed and Roman had switched topics to complaining about Logan’s strictness when it came to grammar issues and errors in general in his writing.

“Like, if he wants a perfectly written book, why won’t he write it? It’ll be boring as fuck, because he has no imagination, but it’ll be grammatically correct.” He complained.

“Because that’s not his job?” Janus said, as he drank his third glass of wine. “Just let the editor boy do his editor job.”

“Stop being an smart ass when I’m complaining” Roman said. “You’re too hot for your own good”

“Why thank you.” Janus said, holding back laughter.

Roman left his glass on the counter. “I need to take a piss, where’s the bathroom?”

Janus’s face flashed with panic for a second, before settling back to his usual smirk.

“I really advice you against that. Virgil decided to dye her hair and Remus and her made a mess.” He said, leaving the wine behind to block the door. Roman wondered if that was intentional. “I yelled at them to clean it up, but they haven’t done so yet.”

Roman scoffed. “Come on, I dye my hair too, I can stand some hair dye splashed all over the place.”

“I insist, let’s just go to the restaurant, it’s getting late.” Janus said, now blocking the door on purpose.

“I’m not going to a public restroom, they’re dirty as fuck.” Roman complained, trying to get past the blocking by Janus. “Just let me in, I’ll deal with it.”

“No.” Janus said, holding Roman back. “Just, trust me on this.”

“Ok, I trust you” Roman said. Janus relaxed and let him go. “But I need to pee.” He pushed Janus and ran to the bathroom.

Janus yelled and ran after him, trying to stop him from going in. This was getting absurd, Roman just wanted to use the toilet.

So he slammed the bathroom door open, just in time for Janus to grab him by the arm. And thank god he did so, because Roman could’ve fainted right there and then.

His brother and Virgil, on the ground, covered in blood, as Virgil tired to detach an arm from a dead body and Remus was playing with the other (detached) arm. Virgil dropped the machete at the noise of the door opening. Remus only noticed Roman’s presence when the machete clattered on the bathroom tiles.

“Oh, hi brother!” He said, waving the arm as if saluting.

And then Roman fainted.

Janus watched as Roman fell into his arms, going limp. “I think we broke him.”

“You think?!” Virgil shouted. “Why were you still here?!”

Remus left the arm on a garbage bag and went to check on his brother. He patted him on the cheek, but there was no response. “Welp, maybe we can convince him that this was a dream.”

“That won’t work” Virgil said. She got up and kicked the body before approaching the other two. “What now? Will he call the police?”

Remus laughed. “On his boyfriend? No way. Maybe on me and you, but Janus has got him enamored.”

Janus groaned and lowered Roman into the ground. “Just… finish with the dismembering, I’ll try wake him up to talk with him.”

“He’s gonna hate us.” Virgil said.

“Now, emo girl, don’t be so pessimistic.” Remus said. “He’ll probably only fear us.” He sank to the ground and grabbed the machete to continue with the job.

“Let’s wait and see.” Janus said. “Also, Remus?”

“Yeah?” He said, not looking up from his activity.

“Don’t play with the bodies.”

Janus dragged Roman to his room, and he could hear how Remus hadn’t listened to him.

This was definitively not how Roman had imagined waking up on his boyfriend’s bed. He imagined a romantic evening, with a nice dinner and then cuddles as they watched Disney movies. Maybe even having hot chocolate.

But he never thought he’d wake up after seeing his brother and best friend dismembering a body.

Janus was sitting on the feet of the bed, looking at him.

“Hey” Janus said, smiling awkwardly. “I have some explaining to do.”

“So it wasn’t a dream?” Roman asked, sitting up and crawling farther from Janus.

Janus sighted. “As much as Remus wanted to convince you it was, it was not.”

“So you have a dead man in the bathroom.” Roman said, looking away from Janus. “Why?”

Janus shrugged. “It’s complicated.”

“Yeah, no shit” Roman said, stepping off the bed. “I’m leaving.”

Janus stood to reach for him, stopping at the last moment. “Roman, please, just. Listen to me”

“You have a dead body. In the bathroom. I am not sticking around!” Roman said, opening the door and walking out of the room.

Janus followed him. “You have to understand, he was not a good person”

“So what, he deserved it?” Roman asked, turning to face Janus. “No one deserves death, Janus.”

“He was a rapist.” Janus said, trying to grab Roman’s arms. “I have his profile in our office, please, just listen to me!”

Roman shoved Janus off him. “Fine. But if you try touch me, I’m calling the police.”

Janus nodded and stepped away from Roman, before heading to his office. He opened the door and let Roman enter first. Roman didn’t enter first, so he ended up entering first.

He searched as fast as he could for the file and opened it for Roman to see on the first page. Janus prepared the trash bin in case Roman decided to see the pictures.

Roman passed through the pages without directing a word nor a glance at Janus. They were information gathered by the police. And pictures. Too many pictures. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, he grabbed the trash bin and emptied his stomach inside it.

Roman pointed at the drawer with a lot of other files. “You’ve been doing this for a while?”

“Since Patton agreed to give us the files of people avoiding jail constantly” Janus replied. “Remember Patton, right?”

Of course Roman remembered Patton. She was one of his best friends. “You convinced Patton, sweet innocent Patton of doing what?”

“Oh, don’t get her wrong, she’s not as innocent as she seems.” Janus said. “It did take a lot of convincing to do. Virgil did most of it.”

“Ok, ok, let me just” Roman sighted heavily. “Process this.” He stared at Janus for the first time in a while. “My brother, twin brother, is a killer. So is my boyfriend and best friend. Patton, the most righteous person in the world, helps them.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Janus shrugged. “You never asked.”

“Because no one expects it!” Roman exclaimed. “It’s not normal!”

“Did you really think we would be able of affording such expensive shit with shitty office jobs?” Janus asked, gesturing to their, indeed, very fancy house.

“So you don’t work there?” Roman said.

“Oh, yeah, we do. But the minimal wage sucks” Janus said as if it was the most normal explanation to the situation. “This pays a lot more, and we get rid of the scum of the Earth. Usually our targets don’t follow us home though…”

“Wait, he did what?” Roman said fighting back the urge of punching his boyfriend.

“Followed us home. That was my fault for getting cocky.” Janus admitted. “I’d probably be dead now if it wasn’t for Virgil. She beat that asshole’s ass. Remus ended up killing him, but most of the job was done by her.”

Roman felt like he was turning green. “Please stop talking about that.”

“Sorry.” Janus said. “Can I, eh, hug you?”

Roman nodded and opened his arms. Janus practically threw himself at him, squeezing Roman close. They stayed like this for a few seconds.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to find out like this.” Janus said, breaking the hug. “I’ll understand if you want to break up.”

“Fuck no” Roman said. “I’m gonna need more space than normal, but you’re stuck with me.”

“Really?” Janus asked, filled with disbelief.

“Really.” Roman assured. “I’m still grossed out and a little bit upset. But as long as you only kill evil jerks, I don’t care.”

Janus left a laugh of relief. He dried the few tears that had somehow escaped his eyes and placed the file back on its place. Then, he turned to Roman and moved to kiss him, stoping in the last second. He didn’t have time to ask, as Roman had already grabbed him by the shoulders to pull him into a kiss.

Roman hadn’t expected his evening to go like this. Somehow, his brother had convinced him, after apologizing about hiding his whole hitman job from him through his entire life, to help them dispose of the body.

‘Good example for your novels’ he had said.

Why had Roman agreed to this?

Oh, right, because he wanted his brother to explain his side of the story.

Remus however, had been incredibly good at avoiding that, as he helped Virgil load the dismembered parts into the back of the truck. Virgil was trying to avoid any further staining. Remus had given up since the first second, now covered head to toes in blood and bleach.

“So this is why the truck always smells like shit” Roman comments, looking at the pair bicker as they tried to close the container’s door. “And I just thought someone had fucked inside here.”

“Rotten corpses smell worse than sex” Remus said. “Besides, I’m not the one who fucked in the truck.” He nudged Virgil, who turned red and shoved him into the passenger seat.

Janus laughed and moved to drive. Virgil pushed him aside.

“You drive like shit” She said. “I drive”

“I’m gay, what did you expect?” Janus said, as he made his way to the other seat.

Therefore, Roman had to sit next to his dear brother, who was picking the blood from his nails.

“So…” Roman said. “When did you start this?”

“After Patton had a meltdown for not being able of locking up some asshole in power.” Remus said, still busy with his nails. “It was a messy first time.”

“Messy is a light word. Put your seatbelts on.” Virgil said, as she started the truck. “Janus got shot”

“She’s making it sound worse than it was.” Janus said, putting his seatbelt on.

Remus laughed. “Yeah, and that time we made it look like a suicide by accident.” He looked at Roman. “That one was fun.”

“Shut up, I panicked, ok?” Virgil said.

Roman laughed. He turned to his brother. “Does Logan know about this?”

“…Maybe” Remus said, looking through the window.

“He doesn’t.” Virgil said. “Officially, because we all know he’s a smart ass and has probably figured it out by now.” She turned to the twins. “Now, where do we dump the body?”

“You don’t have this things planned?” Roman asked.

“Not when the target decides to try and kill us.” Janus said. “The dumpster is a classic.”

“No, no! Let’s dump it in the river like Zaira did!” Remus said.

Roman cringed at the misnaming of his character.

“Who the fuck is Zaira?” Virgil asked.

“Roman’s shitty protagonist. She dumps a body in a river and it’s soooo fake.” Remus said, swinging his head around.

Virgil laughed. “Well, now you can see how the professionals do it” She said.

After a few minutes of driving and a lot of avoiding weird topics Remus kept suggesting, Virgil stopped the truck. Remus crashed into Janus’s seat, as he was an idiot who hadn’t put his seatbelt on.

“Hey, Princey, if you’re gonna be here, make yourself useful and help your brother throw the body parts to the river.” Virgil said, as everyone exited the car.

“You’re not gonna help?” Roman said, watching as Janus started getting rocks and Remus ran to open the container where the body was.

Janus left the rocks next to Remus. “The rules are, that whoever works the most in the killing gets to drive and then just watch for potential witnesses.” He said. “Now help me place rocks inside the bags, we don’t want the body floating back.”

“We should also pierce the bags. Otherwise they fill with air and float.” Roman said, taking the rocks and watching the other two. They stared at him for a while. “What? I’m a writer.”

Remus laughed. “Sure, bro, sure.” He tossed him a bag. “Now do your part of the job.”

Roman fought back a gag and tossed some rocks without looking at what was inside. “The things I do for love…” He muttered bitterly, as Janus handed him another bag.

“This ended up being really good, Roman.” Logan said, reading Roman’s scene for the last time. “And I already corrected the misspellings, so don’t worry about that.”

“Oh, thank fucking god.” Roman said, relaxing against his chair. “I hate this story.”

“You wrote it.” Logan pointed out. “Anyways, did your brother help?”

“We could say so, yeah” Roman said. “My date ended up being a disaster, but it wasn’t so bad at the end… We got pizza after, eh, well, things.”

“Well, I’m glad it worked out.” Logan said. “Now you have to move on to the next scene.”

Roman groaned loudly as he got handed back his computer. “Someone kill me, I don’t want to work now”

Logan laughed, as he headed out of the room. “Well, I happen to know three people who could arrange that.”

Having said that, he left the room.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, leave a comment if you want to feed my self esteem.  
> (also, credits to that one Tumblr prompt for the idea)


End file.
